*Disclaimer: I am neither a therapist, psychologist nor a psychiatrist. My only expertise about grief, is that I’m living through it. So, what I’m saying may not be helpful to anyone but myself, but this I know to be true; it’s working for me now, in this moment, but I can’t predict how it will feel in 6 months.
I have heard from well-intentioned friends, read online & been advised by many that a grieving widow should not make any big decisions for one year. One year. But one year can feel like a lifetime to just sit with an emotion.
One of my daughter’s asked me during the end stages, hypothetically, ‘If Daddy passed, how long did I anticipate just lying in the bed being a zombie?’ I gave her my best guesstimate, which at the time I thought was a conservative estimate, but she was aghast that it would take me that long to pull it together. But for whatever it’s worth, I’ve not been a zombie this whole time. I don’t think life lets you zombie out. I don’t think I have ever had the luxury to just curl up in the fetal position and shut down. But in some ways, many ways, I think all of the responsibilities that keep you moving forward are a blessing. I mean who really wants to be
a zombie anyway? And let me tell you from experience, just because you lose your husband, the world does not stop. Life goes on around you. Seasons come and go; children grow, & nobody’s waiting for a full year for me to sit on the bench & and then put me back in the game after a year.
But my personality is not a sit on the bench type of personality anyway. I am terrible @ waiting. I am a doer, and the grass rarely grows under my feet.
But while grief has touched and changed just about every part of me, it has not changed that part of me; I guess it’s just who I am at my core.
Jamey used to always tease me about how I always acted like recipes were mere suggestions as opposed to directions that were meant to be followed. He was not wrong. And so, it should probably not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me, that I have not just been sitting and waiting and zombieing out for the last six months.
Now I haven’t done anything drastic. I haven’t moved away. I haven’t sold my home. I haven’t quit my job. I haven’t gotten a tattoo, & I haven’t run away from home. But I have done a few things.
For one, The Hollingsworth Colorectal Cancer Awareness Foundation, & its 11 board members, have been busy, which has been such a blessing & a positive force in my life. It’s fueled me to actively feel like I’m saving somebody else from this sadness. As a board, we have plans in the works to submit a proposal to the state office to declare March Colorectal Cancer Awareness month. We have designs to apply for an application to produce a personalized license plates in AL to help spread awareness about the need to get screened for colorectal cancer @ 45 versus 50. And as you probably know, I’ve kind of stepped into the role of colonoscopy queen 👸🏻 in my writings & in all of my interactions. And there are plans underway for a joyous celebration of life in the Spring. (Evite & information soon to be shared.)
But I’ve also contracted for some home renovations, for while I intend to stay in our home, I also feel the need to modify things, so it’s not a home frozen in time like a memorial, but a home representative of our new Family 2.0. The girls & I ventured across the border for Christmas in Cancun, & I hope to bring a new puppy into the family by the end of 2023.
But while each of those individual items are noteworthy an awesome in and of themselves, the best part about all of them collectively is the distraction that they provide. They are all bright, & beautiful shiny objects that take my eyes off the pain. And I happen to think that for me, right now, distraction is the most blissful antidepressant medication that can be prescribed.
So, I guess only time will tell if I’m making things worse for myself later, by not sitting still, but for right now, I am enjoying the distractions. I am enjoying looking away from the pain, & when I do allow things to settle down, I hope I will feel stronger & be stronger, & be proud of the path I’ve walked & the woman I’ve become. But if not, I’m sure there will be another bright & shiny object or cute & fuzzy squirrel 🐿️ to distract me
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